


be brave, and don't look back

by purplenighttime



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Growing Up, Loss of Identity, The Tragedy of Anakin Skywalker, meta disguised as fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 23:40:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5646007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplenighttime/pseuds/purplenighttime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anakin Skywalker, as a Padawan. </p><p>(He is the Chosen One, and he will become the most powerful Jedi there ever was.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	be brave, and don't look back

When Anakin Skywalker is eleven, he is told for the final time that the Jedi are under the Senate’s authority and despite the laws of the Republic, the Jedi must act only under Senate mandate. Freeing slaves is not their mandate. Despite his admirable goal, his inability to let go of attachments is hindering his training.

As they so often tell him, he is the Chosen One, and if he is to bring balance to the Force his time would be better spent training to make up for his late start.

They always refer to his late start as a result of his “time on Tatooine”. There is no mention of Podracing or Master Qui-Gon or even Queen Amidala, and the Naboo conflict is discussed only in abstractions. They tell him he is a Padawan learner now, and should be focused on the future and on his potential to become a great warrior.

Anakin tries to remember what they tell him, tries to be at peace the way Master Obi-Wan always seems to be. But it doesn’t change the fact that two of Coruscant’s interplanetary spaceports are within walking distance of the Temple. He goes at night, sometimes, and thinks about how easy it would be to take a ship and fly home.

But he is still young, and he hasn’t even learned how to use a lightsaber yet. Sometimes, if it is especially difficult to return to the Temple, he thinks about how proud his mother would be if he returned as a full Jedi Knight instead of a failed Padawan.

Some of the Padawans monitoring the Temple security frown when he returns, but others grin knowingly. He’s seen some of them outside the Temple at night, too, and as long as they all return by morning no one seems to care.

After a year and a half with the Jedi, he begins to understand what they want him to do. And so after a final night at the Vere spaceport, he buries his old self.

He does not think of his mother singing to him at night when he is cold and can’t sleep, or of the ruby bliels he’d shared with Kitster when there is an especially good dessert at dinner. He especially does not think of the stories of Ekkreth the Skywalker.

He is not a Skywalker, not anymore. He is a Jedi.

He does not look back.

* * *

When Anakin is fourteen, he asks Master Windu about the dark side. Obi-Wan has been discussing former Master Dooku and Anakin is curious about his fall.

Though the man’s eyes narrow, he answers with the practiced nature of someone who has been asked the question before.

The Sith are powerful in the dark side because of their passion, and their hate, he says. But passion and hate cannot be relied on, and they so often cause suffering to others. The Jedi, on the other hand, use peace and compassion to become one with the Force, and to use their abilities to effect change for good.

And that is why a Jedi must not have fear, Master Windu says. Because fear leads to anger, which leads to hate, which leads to  suffering.

Anakin is working on mastering his fear; he thinks he is doing rather well. He has not thought about his mother in two years.

But he is not sure if he can accept Master Windu’s first answer. He thinks of Queen Amidala, and her passion for serving the people of Naboo. He even lets himself think of Kitster’s excitement at learning more stories of Ekkreth.

(Thinking of Tatooine is easier than remembering, sometimes. But he tries not to do either.)

Anakin thinks that Master Windu must be wrong, because he knows passion can be a force for good as well. He tries not to think of the way Master Qui-Gon’s peace ultimately meant his death and pain for Obi-Wan and others in the Temple, or how the peace of the Naboo left them open to attack by the Trade Federation.

(He absolutely does not think about how in certain cases on Tatooine, compassion got you killed faster than hate did.)

When he mentions this to one of the other Padawans, she gasps as if he has insulted Master Yoda himself. After all, the Republic has stood for a thousand years, and the Jedi along with it, which would only be possible if the Jedi had a _complete_ understanding of the Force.

Anakin accepts Master Windu’s lecture with a bowed head, and he does not question it again.

* * *

When Anakin is fifteen, a routine medical examination reveals a small irregularity deep in the tissue near his shoulder. On the scan, it shows up as a small black square where sinew and tissue should meet, dislodged by years of repetitive training with a lightsaber.

He knows what it is almost immediately, but it takes the med-droid three hours to positively identify it as a small explosive device. When the confirmation is made, it is not Obi-Wan who is informed but the Council.

Anakin waits on the small cot in the med bay, forcing himself to meditate instead of demanding _Get it out of me, now_. He settles for asking the med-droid if there is anything he can fix, and is given a handheld scanner with a malfunctioning viewscreen. It’s a simple enough task, but he forces himself to do it slowly and not think about anything else.

Another two hours later, a representative of the Council arrives and informs him that since the device is completely inactivated and that the chance of accidental detonation is insignificant, the Council have decided not to subject him to an unnecessary and potentially dangerous surgery.

He nods, says “Yes, Master,” and tries to forget the knowledge of his transmitter’s precise location.

The next ten times he holds a vibroblade, it comes forcibly to mind.

* * *

When Anakin is eighteen, the dreams begin.

At first, they are harmless enough - his mother is laughing and looking less worried than he ever remembers - so he does not mention them to Obi-Wan. He has long since learned not to draw attention to the fact that, despite his efforts, he apparently cannot rid himself of all attachments.

It isn’t until they reach Ansion that the dreams turn violent, and then there is no time to mention it at first. But too often the Jedi have told him about the prophetic power of dreams, and the abductors of Master Luminara feel far too familiar for comfort.

(Anakin pushes that familiarity far down, in the way he has learned to do with everything he remembers about Tatooine.)

He stops sleeping at night, preferring instead to sit on the balcony of the small suite the Jedi have been given near the capital city. Obi-Wan finds him there, one morning, barely awake, and Anakin describes his fears. With the sadness of someone who has felt similarly, Obi-Wan smiles and says, “It’ll pass, eventually.”

And so Anakin tries to let the dreams come, tries drinking too-bland tea to ward off the knowledge that what he sees at night is happening parsecs away while he is powerless.

* * *

When he is nineteen, Anakin Skywalker loses his mother for the second time.

It’s not the Jedi way, he tells himself, but he gives into his fury anyway, sobs over her broken body, feels the seed of self-loathing grow. He is almost a Jedi now, and he knows those thoughts lead to the dark side, so he focuses instead on Padme, on the way she holds his hand and how her smile brightens the galaxy.

That isn’t the Jedi way, either, but he cannot remember his mother in the way he and she and Kitster would remember slaves killed before their time. He remembers how it would bring peace to those that still lived, let them go on in the knowledge their spirits would watch over them. But he is a Jedi, not a slave. Those traditions can hold no meaning for him now regardless of how desperately he may want them.

And then he has no time to grieve in any way, because suddenly he might lose Obi-Wan and then Padme as well. It is almost a relief to throw himself into the battle, focus on the way his borrowed lightsaber cuts through droids and blaster fire.

The only one to mention his mother when they finally return to the Temple is Obi-Wan, during a quiet moment between the many discussions of war strategy. “I’m sorry,” he says, and Anakin knows it is genuine. “I know how much you wanted to save her.”

He tells Anakin that the Council have decided he is ready to complete his training, and that the loss of his arm at the hands of Count Dooku will be considered one of his Trials. Anakin does not think about how he has already suffered a Trial of the Spirit, or how the simulation is nothing compared to the loss of his mother.

Afterwards, he manages to escape to Naboo for a few days, where Varykino feels like a distant memory of a different time. Here, he is neither a Jedi nor a Skywalker; he is simply Anakin. Padme meets him there, and for those few precious days they can lie to themselves and forget about the imminent war.

The day before he returns to Coruscant, they’re married by the lakeside, and as Anakin looks into her eyes he promises himself that no one else will die because of his weakness. He is the Chosen One, after all, and he will become the most powerful Force user there ever was.

“Everything will change, now,” Padme says quietly.

“Not this,” Anakin says.

He holds her, and he does not look back.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired partially by [ this meta ](http://fialleril.tumblr.com/post/136422927431/re-the-slave-transmitter-i-always-kind-of) by fialleril, as well by TFA's references to Vader/Anakin.


End file.
